What A Difference A Day Can Make!

Our little Sawyer Clark made his arrival on June 4! He is SO wonderful and has really taken it easy on us so far! He seems to have such an easy-going little spirit and has been so resilient and non-demanding! Mike and I always try to analyze what kind of spirits our kids have and we already feel like he's going to be a quiet, humble teacher to all of us.

At my last appointment, 2 days shy of the 39 week mark (Tuesday), I seemed to have progressed a bit since my previous appointment, so Dr. Connelly said he'd try to "help me along" and he was fairly confident I'd go into labor soon. I was REALLY hoping he was right, because he was leaving that Friday for the whole next week and I was really attached to him!

Sure enough, I woke up around 7 the next morning with contractions 5-7 minutes apart that had a bit of a kick to them. I got ready to leave, then woke up Mike and we called Sal to come stay with the kids. We got to Show Low around 9 and just as we got into town, my contractions completely stopped. I told Mike it was because Sawyer might have a prankster type personality. Mike said he was just being cooperative. We wanted to get to Show Low in plenty of time (Remi gave us ZERO time!) and we were hungry so Sawyer was just giving us time to have breakfast-which we did. The contractions started up again but not very regularly so we went to Wal-Mart so I could buy some headphones (I planned on listening to George Strait for pain management) and then we went by Home Depot so Mike could look at materials for the fort he wants to build the kids. I kept feeling like we could kill some more time before going to the hospital and we considered going to a movie, but the next showtime wasn't for another hour and I couldn't imagine anywhere we could go where I could walk around for an hour without alerting employees and patrons because although the contractions weren't getting any closer together, when they did come, they hurt!

We finally decided to just go to the hospital and they did end up admitting me. I had high blood pressure the last two weeks of my pregnancy and the nurse seemed alerted by it, but I assured her I'd been walking around like this for several weeks and that I felt okay. Sawyer tolerated the contractions really well, but despite my best efforts to stay calm and use George to get me through, my blood pressure spiked every time I had one. Even though I wasn't spilling protein, my uric acid levels came back elevated and the nurse said she felt that with my high blood pressure and the uric acid levels, it was enough to treat me as a patient with preeclampsia. At this point, the nurse highly recommended I get an epidural because of the pain of the contractions spiking my blood pressure and the fact that I'd probably have to be put on magnesium to prevent seizures and then pitocin to keep the contractions strong because the magnesium is a smooth muscle relaxant.

Just as she said, the contractions pretty much stopped once the magnesium was started and my doctor came in around that time and broke my water. After that, the contractions started coming strong and hard again and I was so happy to see the anesthesiologist walk through the door! Once the epidural was in, I progressed a lot faster (even though I could still feel a lot of pain on my left side) and we pretty much just hung out with the nurse until I was ready to start pushing...which was not long after the doctor had left for another procedure. He said he'd be back by 3:45 so we set a goal to have Sawyer be born by 4. We thought 6/4/14 at 4:00 would be a cool birthday!

He walked in the door at 4:00, so we thought that was out of the question, but he had me push right away and Sawyer was born at 4:03! He was the tiniest baby I've ever seen! 5 lbs. 15 oz. and 18.5 in. I still worry that it may have been my high blood pressure that caused him to be so small. I got to hold him for a while before they took him to get assessed and cleaned up.

He was born with clubbed feet, but we were told that it could easily be corrected as a baby and he should be able to do everything a completely healthy kid can do.

The details of everything that happened after that are a little foggy, and some parts I can only piece together what I hear from Mike and what I remember, but I feel this weight on me that I feel like might be lifted if I just put it out there and try not to analyze it and think too much about it anymore.

As they were getting Sawyer checked out, I told the nurse I felt a big gush of blood after I moved. I'm SO thankful she took me seriously and didn't give me the "oh, well you just had a baby Honey, it's normal to bleed" response! I'm also thankful I either could still feel on the left side, or that the epidural had worn off by then so I COULD feel what was going on!

Anyway, the nurse came and checked me out and yelled out to the hall to see if the doctor was still close. He was and he came in and said my uterus must not be contracting like it should be and they gave me some drugs and he massaged my stomach to try to get my uterus to contract. At this point, the room started to get fuzzy and my whole  body got really cold. I could feel the doctor and nurse rushing around me but I just tried to stay conscious and find and focus on Mike. I think at that point, I was too confused about what was going on to be too worried about it.

Finally, the room cleared up and I was feeling a lot better. Mike's parents and his sister and her family happened to be in Show Low and all came by. Mike and his dad gave me a blessing and I felt a lot better. My family was on their way with our kids and we were so excited to have them meet their new brother!

As Mike's family was gathering up to leave, I felt another gush of blood and tried to catch the nurse as she was coming in and out to let her know. Again, as soon as I told her and she checked me out, she got the doctor in the room and the experience repeated itself, only this time, I was shaking uncontrollably because of the medication they had given me the last time and it seemed like it went downhill a lot faster. I was so frustrated with not being able to control my body and the situation. All I could do was concentrate on Mike being there and I was so thankful they hadn't tried to make him leave. He kept going back and forth to check on Sawyer and try to stay with me and even though I would've preferred him be with Sawyer, I panicked every time he left. I was starting to get scared that they wouldn't be able to get the bleeding under control, but the doctor and nurse working together and their conversation made them sound like they knew what they were doing and that was very reassuring. Finally, things cleared up again and as the doctor and nurse were finishing things up, I could hear Mike correlating what was going to happen with the kids coming to meet Sawyer because they were already at the hospital.

Mike's mom had caught a glimpse of what had happened and went down and told my mom she might want to come up by herself. It was so good to see my mom but I was feeling really crumby and I don't remember really interacting with her much beyond giving her a hug. I remember my sister coming up to get some keys and saying she wanted to take the kids somewhere to give us time to get things under control. Mike asked my mom to stay and hold and be with Sawyer so he could stay with me. I'm SO glad he did because things got crazy again really quickly after that.

I remember getting super cold and thinking "oh no, it's happening again"! I told Mike to go get someone because no one was in the room. Just when it seemed like they were getting things under control, I felt a huge rush of cold again and got really hazy. This time, I was terrified because no matter how hard I tried, I felt like I had no control over my body or my consciousness. I just knew if it was happening again, this was it and that I was dying. I was so scared because I'd always heard that dying was a very calm and peaceful experience, but this was terrifying and chaotic. I remember coughing a lot and hovering over a basin and then everything closed in and went black.

I woke up even more terrified because now the room was flooded with people and I could only make out partial conversations. What REALLY scared me was one of the doctors asking to call a code, someone answered that it was a rapid response, but I heard the word code again after that. I heard the order to start a second IV and was proud to hear whoever started it compliment my veins. :) (of all the things to be concerned or flattered about!) I also heard someone yell "I have a BP 60/40" (that's bad) and "I've got a thready pulse". I wanted to yell at them that I wasn't coding but I couldn't talk. I heard everyone talking to me, and I could respond to them in my head, but I don't know if I ever got any words out because they kept asking me the same questions. Mostly "are ya still with us?" I remember begging Mike not to leave me and him reassuring me that he wouldn't and that my mom was here with Sawyer and that his mom and my sister had Grant and Remi. I heard Dr. Connelly tell Mike that I hadn't responded as expected to any of the interventions that would normally have gotten my bleeding under control and someone came in and had Mike sign some consents (for surgery I'm guessing because I heard a lot of conversation about an OR and blood being prepped). I kept trying to tell Mike I didn't want to go to surgery, I was scared I wouldn't wake up if they put me to sleep. I heard Dr. Connelly say they could keep my epidural in place and just numb me again and not have to use general anesthesia and I was SO GLAD I had gotten it! I heard orders being called out for different meds and fluids and I'm still not sure what all those were. 

Finally, things started to clear up again, and Dr. Connelly said he knew I was coherent because I'd laughed at something he said (something about giving him more gray hairs, which was funny because his hair is almost completely white). He hung around for a while (which I was SO grateful for! Every hospital employee who came into the room talked about how busy they were, except him) and explained quite a bit of what had happened but I didn't compute a lot of it. He said he'd put a balloon in that would put pressure on the uterine wall (kind of like putting direct pressure on a gushing wound) and that that was kind of a last resort before taking me to surgery for a D&C. He said I'd lost more than half of my blood supply and that they were going to keep monitoring my labs to make sure I wouldn't need to be transfused because I couldn't afford to lose any more. Luckily, I started out with more blood than the average person, being pregnant and all, and the fact that I was in my twenties and healthy meant I should be able to build my supply back on my own. He said they'd given me three bags of pitocin and about 7 liters of fluids and that I'd probably look in the mirror the next day and think "Holy sh*t! What did they do to me??" (I really appreciated his humor through the whole thing!) 

Things felt pretty stable after that and Grant and Remi finally got to come meet their brother. Remi immediately started shouting "Mama! Mama!" as soon as she saw me and it was SO good to hear her little voice! They both did great, especially Grant, who seemed so eager to help introduce him to Remi and show her the ropes of being an older sibling. After they took pictures and took turns holding Sawyer, Grant came and stood next to my bed and timidly said "Um, Mommy, I love you". I about lost it and was so tempted to ask if they could stay the night too! Celina ended up taking them home and my mom stayed to be on Sawyer duty, while Mike stayed for my reassurance. My dad came and gave me a father's blessing and that was very comforting. 

I only slept about an hour that night, and couldn't shake the feeling that I could still die (very rapidly this time, because I didn't have any blood left). Being alone with my thoughts and fears was awful! I kept wanting to talk to Mike but knew he needed the sleep he was getting. Sawyer was doing great and slept most of the night, despite not having eaten much. At one point, he did stir and my mom and Mike both got up to attend to him. Mike noticed I wasn't asleep and came and talked to me through the rest of the night. I'm SO glad I married him!

The next night was pretty rough as well. Grant got sick so Mike came home to stay with the kids, and Sal was nice enough to come back to Show Low to stay with me so I wouldn't have to spend the night alone. I got to FaceTime with the kids and my best friend and that made the night go by a little easier too. The pediatrician came in to check Sawyer out and said she heard a murmur and that Sawyer had failed two oxygen tests and she wanted to get an echo of his heart to make sure everything was okay. I appreciated her thoroughness, but that sent things spinning again into "what ifs". The pediatrician said she'd make sure we got the results that night, but when the night nurse came on, she said she didn't think we'd know until the next morning. That was SO frustrating to again be so worried and feel like there was nothing we could do to control the outcome. Thankfully, the doctor came back in several hours later and informed us that everything was normal!

I feel like looking back, despite all the things that went wrong, there were so many things that went right! One was having Dr. Connelly for my doctor and me going into labor before he left town. I'd started out this pregnancy seeing the midwife I saw with Remi. At 20 weeks, they sent me to Dr. Connelly's office for an ultrasound and I decided, for whatever reason, to switch to Dr. Connelly instead. I'd never met him and I LOVED my midwife, but for some reason, when I called to let her office know I had switched, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. It felt like CLEARLY the right decision. I now know why that was. Another blessing was him still being in the hospital the whole time and being able to quickly come back into the room. I SO appreciated his level-headedness and how he handled everything. I felt like every time I heard his voice in the midst do the whole chaotic fiasco, it was reassuring because he was calm and what he was saying was exactly what I wanted to do (like dismissing the urge to rush to the OR or administer blood). I felt like he truly advocated for me as a patient and that he saw me as a mom and a wife and not just "the hemorrhage in room 3". We both felt the same way about our nurse, who called twice after she'd gotten home from probably one of the longest shifts of her life, to check on me. I know after this experience, I will be a different type of nurse and I'm thankful for their examples of excellent, compassionate care. 

Sawyer is a week old now and we've been home five days. Coming home was the best feeling in the world! I really struggled during the nights at the hospital because I couldn't convince myself that I was out of the woods. The thought of never coming home to Grant and Remi, and not even getting the opportunity to be a mom to Sawyer made me so anxious I couldn't sleep at all during the nights and only for 1-2 hr bursts during the day. 

I think the whole experience has startled me into the reality that death can come at any time. There's no guarantee that I'm going to be able to see my kids grow up or grow old with Mike and those are some of the most terrifying thoughts to me! 

I've really struggled with having the faith to know that everything is in the Lord's hands because of how much MY will is to be here. It's made me want to live more in the present and try to do all I can to find my faith and accept God's will over mine. I'm SO thankful that for now, He has let me stay here! 

Mike has taken the week off work and has been taking care of all of us tirelessly! I don't know how he's doing it all! The house looks better than it normally does with me taking care of it and he's been making me green smoothies with fresh juice and steak and eggs every morning (the doctor said I need to eat as much iron as possible) and he hasn't complained about it once! I can barely walk from room to room without getting severely winded so I've been spending most of my time in bed or on the couch (they said it'd take about 3 weeks to gain back my strength after losing all the blood). That shows you how much Mike has to take care do EVERYTHING else. Every day feels like a drastic improvement from the day before, and when I think that last week, I was barely strong enough to hold Sawyer and couldn't even get out of bed, I feel like things are getting better fast. I can't imagine how families get through tragedies and trials that are so much longer and harder than this! It's been very eye opening!

My mom and Sal have been calling every day to see if the older kids want to come play so Mike and I can get some rest (and it's even Celina's birthday today!) and our ward has brought in dinner every night. I usually pass up the sign-up sheet for meals when it comes around at church because I'm intimidated by not being a very good cook, but I've felt so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone's service and concern that I might just sign up from now on. Even if I end up having to take someone McDonald's! :)