Lazy/Efficient Blogging

I really love blogging! But I seem to frequently get to this point when I'm so behind that I keep putting it off because catching up is:

1. Time consuming
2. Overwhelming
3. Annoying (nine zillion pictures with much less emotion in the descriptions)
4. Evidence to everyone (including my posterity) of how unorganized and what a procrastinator I am.

However, like I said, I love blogging. And although looking back, catch up posts are annoying, in the long run, I'm always glad I at least wrote something and got some pictures. So here's today's solution to attempt to keep the "catch up" short and sweet!

Remi Turned 2!!

And had a Jake and the Neverland Pirates themed birthday party to go along with their costumes.

1. Walking the plank 2. Cannonball fight 3. Treasure hunt 4. Treasure piñata

Halloween 2014

Right after Remi's party, we rushed home where we hosted our Ward Halloween Party

1. Remi and her meena moush cake 2. Eating chili at the ward party 3 & 4. Playing games and trick-or-treating at the ward party

Sawyer Gets His Brace

 

Thanksgiving in Utah

Christmas Calendar 2014

Other:

1. Remi and I both got our hair CHOPPED! (pics pending)
2. I worked my first day shift in 4 years and am now PRN on DAYS!
3. Sawyer mastered taking a bottle
4. We've gotten started on our food storage
5. Sawyer had a follow up for his brace and is doing great!
6. I managed to fall way behind in pretty much every aspect of life

 

 

 

 

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Whew!

This last Friday, we left for our last trip to the Valley for Sawyer's treatments. It was sad to leave such gorgeous weather!

Usually, Sawyer's appointments are on Fridays so I'd pack up while Mike was at school in Show Low and then meet him there and we'd go on to the Valley together. This time, Sawyer's appointment was on Monday so we had a full weekend in Mesa.

I got a new calling in The Young Women's program in our ward and we were able to go to the Phoenix Temple open house with the youth on Saturday. It was so beautiful and awesome that we got go tour it as a little family. To say it felt very "eternal" is the best way I can describe it! I love these four people so much! I'm also so excited about my new calling! I love being around the girls in our Young Women's! They strengthen my testimony so much!

This time Sawyer's appointment was on a Monday because he had to get a tenotomy, or "heel cord lengthening" on his Achille's tendons (Caution: don't watch the video in the link if you have a weak stomach!). Here's Dr. Bethur removing Sawyer's casts before they took him to the OR.

Mel was once again generous enough to watch Grant and Rems so Mike and I could go together. We're confident they had a much better time with their cousins than they'd have had with us!

She even watched Grant for an extra few hours so Mike and I could take a nap with Remi and Sawyer. We're sure glad Brian talked her into joining our family somehow!

Although the tenotomy is a pretty low risk procedure, I was really nervous to have my baby go under anesthesia! I did feel much better after the anesthesiologist came and explained to us how it was going to go. He said he'd put him under by having him breathe through a mask, and then give him what was similar to an epidural to numb the bottom half of his body. That way, he could have pain relief without having to administer narcotics through his IV. The  whole "going under" thing was still scary, but hooray for no narcotics in his bloodstream!

Mike and Brian gave him a blessing the night before, and I know we had a lot of people praying for us because I felt very at peace that next morning when we got to the hospital. It seemed like Mike and I had barely gotten a chance to eat breakfast and start up a conversation when they called and said he was out!

I thought he was going to be pretty lethargic afterward but he was pretty active and seemed to just be angry! The nurse reassured us that he wasn't in any pain but suggested we give him demerol to help calm him down.  This made no sense to me! Up until now, I've always kind of let healthcare professionals do what they think/say is best but I feel like I learned a lesson in making informed decisions and being an advocate on this trip. Why, after taking precautions to NOT have to give him drugs IV and after preparing us so much that he might be irritated coming out of the anesthesia, would we add MORE drugs to the mix? And a narcotic to boot!

So we said "no thank-you" to the demerol. And wouldn't ya know, all he needed was a big burp and he fell asleep in my arms a few minutes later. 

Sawyer 's castings and tenotomy are done! Woohoo! Now he's in one final pair of casts that will stay on until mid-November when he'll get his brace.

Standing at the beginning of his "adventure" was super overwhelming, but as the weeks went by and we were able to check each appointment off, it seemed to get easier. Now I'm just looking at the piles of things that have been stacking up in the last 6 weeks, hoping taking babysteps toward them will show results just as quickly!

Progress

This little guy has had quite the drama with his feet!

After the 8th cast with our podiatrist in Show Low (he was only supposed to have 6), we were told that Sawyer still wasn't making much progress and that they wanted us to do a consult with the orthopedist on the mountain.

I'd had some doubts and uneasy feelings early on in the casting wih the podiatrist because the casts didn't look anything like the ones I saw when I would research club feet. After the 8 casts with little progress, I was REALLY feeling uneasy and unsure about what we should do. Sawyer was supposed to have surgery the next week, but it seemed obvious that he wasn't ready!

After a lot more research, I decided after my walk with Sawyer one morning that he needed to be doing the Ponseti method of treatment. It's only come about in the past 10 years and there are apparently very few doctors who've been correctly trained in it. I came across a story of a family with a similar story as ours. They had done several casts with a doctor without much progress, and off of a whim they decided to email Dr. Ponsetti himself. Surprisingly, they got personal response from Dr. Ponseti telling them to fly to from California to Iowa to do treatment with him.

That day when I got home from my walk I told Mike about it and we said a prayer to try to find out what we should do. Up to this point we had talked about praying for direction but put it off and never actually said the prayer and asked. After we prayed about it I told him maybe I should just call Phoenix Children's Hospital and see what they recommended. I explained the situation to the front desk of the pediatric orthopedic department and he recommended that we schedule an appointment with their club foot specialist. The problem was, the soonest they could squeeze us in was in two months. I told him how grateful I was that they were squeezing us in but asked what we should do in the meantime. Sawyer was still wearing casts from the previous doctor. Should we let him take the casts off and go without casts for two months or should we let them go ahead with the surgery and keep doing castings? The receptionist put me on hold and went to the back to talk to the doctor. He came back and asked "can you come tomorrow?" I quickly said yes, we would cancel whatever we had going on and we made the trip.

The good news we found out was that no harm had been done with the casts he was already wearing. The bad news was we'd have to start from scratch. Sawyer's legs were a little irritated from being in the casts for so long, plus they didn't really have appointments since they'd just squeezed us in in the first place, so he went without casts until we could be seen again after three weeks.

This is what his feet looked like right before the first appointment at Phoenix Children's:

And this is what they looked like after this last cast was taken off:

Here he is in the full leg casts he's been sporting now.


We're going back to the Valley for one final casting this weekend, then he'll have surgery to release his Achilles' tendon the next week. After that, he'll wear a final cast for three weeks, then a brace for up to four months full time, and then just at night for up to four years.

Driving to the Valley every week after he'd already been in casts for two months and waiting over two hours at every single appointment has been rough. We never had to wait more than 15 minutes at the doctor in Show Low and he treated Sawyer like he was his own son. However, I think now that there's just something to be said for specialists! Our new doctor is so methodical in the casting and seems to know club feet inside and out! He even trained with Dr. Ponsetti personally! I'm so glad we feel on the right track and I can so easily imagine Sawyer running and keeping up with his brother and sister!

One leg down, one to go!

There's also something to be said for having such great friends and family! The amount of support we've gotten from so many of them is overwhelming! We'd talked at one point about doing the castings in Flagstaff since it's a little closer. I'm so glad we didn't! Our friends Adam and Melissa let us stay with them every weekend for almost a month, Heidi and Jake let us stay in their new house without supervision all last weekend and have provided much needed emotional support and entertainment. Brian and Mel usually feed us at least one meal on every trip we make and Mel's been watching the kids so Mike and I can both go be with Sawyer (keep in mind, I said we've never waited less than 2 hours to see the doctor. Then there's casting time and driving time...last time, we dropped the kids off with Mel at 3:00 and didn't get back until after 7:00!). And my parents have been giving us a discount on rent to help pay for gas. I have no idea how to even begin to thank everyone for their help! So far, Blue Bell's been about all we can come up with!

Other than that, we've been trying to make the most of our trips down there and the kids have enjoyed swimming, riding the carousels at the malls, playing with their cousins and friends and Mike and I've been trying to make up for years of no places to shop or get things done! We still come up with a full to-do list for every trip!

Remi wouldn't ride the carousel. Grant never wanted to stop!

Our kids are acquiring a talent for making themselves at home when we're not at home. Here they are at IKEA.

Getting ready for a swim at Adam's. Remi doesn't swim though...one of her only fears!

It's been an adventure, that's for sure! Luckily, our kids travel well and are excited to go. I'm also so happy that the trips have kind become a time for Mike and I to get to catch up after busy weeks and that after talking the whole way, it really doesn't seem like four hours.

Exhausted

Remi fell asleep like this on the couch the other day. Lately, I feel like I can totally relate! This post is pretty much a random mish mash of events that all run together, or in the midst of each other, but here's what we've been up to:

My parents are officially residents of Quemado now. We've made a few trips out there and no offense to all you New Mexico natives, but I'm surprised by how beautiful it is!

These three are bonkers! Some days, I feel like there's not a minute that goes by when at least one of them isn't crying or needing something that I can't get to. Other times, we're all smiling and I get lost watching them and wondering how I got so dang lucky! I guess that's typical with little kids though, and My heart starts to break every time I realize how quickly they're growing up!

Mike's building a swing set/sandbox/fort in the backyard for the kids. This is a halfway picture, but Remi couldn't handle being without a swing for even a day, so Mike rigged this one up for her in the meantime. She's got all of us pretty wrapped around her little finger (if you can't tell!)! 

My brother Tanner has been living with us for the past month and a half. He got a job in town right before my parents moved and Mike suggested he stay with us while he saves some money and tries to see if he can get a place of his own. Mike's much more supportive than me, to say the least! I love his perspective and insights! I'm a better member of MY family because of him, and I've learned a lot from having Tan here. I do have (too many) days though where I'm overwhelmed  and need an attitude adjustment. Tan's doing SO well in so many areas, and we're so proud of the progress he's made, but there are just enough setbacks to discourage me and make me question how much longer we could/should continue...I guess time will tell and we'll have to just wait and see. 

Mike's been working so hard, he's the man! He's been juggling some really demanding tasks at work, helping me with the kids,

helping me with Tan,

 being Tanner's personal counselor, not getting behind despite having to take lots of time off for Sawyer's treatments, his church calling, helping his family and my family, and trying to find time in there for a little recreation and keep me happy. I don't know how he handles it all, but I'm grateful and lucky he does! I would crumble under the weight of one of Mike's average days!

This little man is getting SO big and greets us with a big smile almost every morning! He's been holding his head up during tummy time and rolling over and is adored by his siblings. He is the sweetest little man and is still my little buddy! I love how much he makes me feel like he needs me! (Although it would be nice to be able to do some things alone from time to time!)

We go for a walk together most mornings and it's one of my favorite parts of the day! SO therapeutic on so many levels!

I'm doing another goal weight challenge and am super motivated to not only reach my goal weight, but get into the best shape I can right now. I'm hoping I'll be able to start running soon!

She's a nut! It's always interesting to see what Remi's up to!

Like when she peed her pants one one of our recent trips to Show Low and had to wear a pair of Grant's shorts we happened to have with us. I told her she looked like a thug, so then she kept walking around saying, "I fug!"

This guy is OBSESSED with Jake and the Neverland Pirates! I don't even want to say how long he'll sit and watch it (I will look like a terrible mother!)! He's converted his sister and they march around the house together singing, "yo-ho mateys away! There'll be treasure and adventure today!" (Remi usually just chimes in for the emphasized words). I know Grant misses Chase, but it's been so good to see he and Remi spending so much time together, and to see what Grant wants to do when he gets to be in charge.

Sawyer's treatment for his clubfeet have kept us especially stressed and busy (but that merits a post of its own), along with fighting with our insurance about all the bills that've been rolling in since he was born. We went to the Valley over the weekend for a doctor appointment for him, and it was nice to get away, but it's great to be home!

No Theme

I'm driving myself crazy because I feel like every post I've made lately is just a "catch up" post with no real theme. Maybe after this one...

A lot has been happening in this first month of Sawyer's life!

First off, he finally got going on treatment for his feet! He's on his third set of casts now, but here's a picture of him in his first set.

We LOVE Dr. Hall and are SO happy with how his treatment has been going!

Sawyer got to go on his first outing to his cousin Hallie's baptism this month.

Hallie is a super awesome girl and our whole family loves her and having her around!

I'm still a little weary of taking Sawyer out, but it's getting better a lot faster than it did with the other two kids! Maybe because it's summer? I don't know...but I still didn't feel comfortable enough to take him to all the 4th of July festivities so my mom and Sal were nice enough to fight over snuggle time with him so I didn't have to miss out!

Anyone will tell you that the Fourth of July in Eagar is always awesome! But for some reason this year, as I looked up and down the road at all the red, white and blue, I had a greater appreciation than I've ever had in the past, to be born and live in such a wonderful place! It truly felt like a patriotic celebration to me this year, even though compared to years past, we didn't really do much!

I must just be getting old! Which was proven by this being my ten year high school reunion! I don't feel that much older than when I graduated, but I remember when I was a sophomore, the seniors doing a skit of what their ten year reunion would be like and thinking "man, when they're graduated ten years, they're going to be SO old!"

I dropped my camera on the lens and it broke right after the parade, so I didn't get any pictures, but I'm surprised how good it was to see old friends and catch up! I grew up with some really good people!

I did manage to get these pictures of Grant and Cozi with Mike's phone because it was just too funny to let pass by without trying to get some sort of photo documentation!

Remi fell down (in these giant goulashes she insists on wearing everywhere!) and was yelling "Hep-me! Hep-me!" at her brother, who was holding hands with Cozi.

Grant didn't think too hard before he made his choice.

He even said "Tum on Tozi" like he was rubbing it in.  I've really been trying to work with him on making Remi's well-being a priority...looks like we've got some more work to do!

I was determined to ensure that Sawyer has just as many pictures as his older siblings, but it looks like I've got some work to do in that area as well! (I'm going to put that on him though, because even when he's in a deep sleep, he rarely lets me put him down!)

Even though it's not documented as well, we LOVE our little Sawyer Man more than a million pictures could show! He's SO wonderful!!

Exciting Things

Maybe it's because I've been pretty confined to the couch, or because I'm not worrying and stressing about all the things I "NEED" to get done, but I've noticed some things this week that may seem small, but I'm deeming them blog-worthy! (And I actually made this post yesterday, but never got it up.)

Remi said "ah lub ooo" for the first time! (In case you don't speak Rem, that means "I love you")

She also says "cue me" (excuse me) and "charry" (sorry)

Grant showered for the first time after Remi pooped in the tub. He's saying he's going to take showers from now on. He's getting so big!

We discovered that not only are there 5 seasons of Shaun the Sheep, but they're ALL on Amazon Instant Video now! Grant and I will be busy this next week!

Remi calls herself either "Ray-me" or "me-me". It's so cute! We're always trying to ask her questions about herself to get her to say it.

Grant goes looking for Sawyer as soon as he wakes up in he morning. He's super protective of him and reminds people to use hand sanitizer before they hold him (IF he lets them hold him). He's already been showing him important things in life like how to watch Scooby Doo and Shaun the Sheep. The other day when he was holding him, he said "I love Sawyer! He's so tool (cool)!

Grant with his bed head snuggling with Sawyer first thing in the morning.

Mike took a few more days off work than he had planned and it's been so nice having him home! I hate it when he's gone! I want him to find a job where he can work from home. :)

We took the kids to watch How to Train Your Dragon 2. It was a little crazy, and Sawyer did the best of all three kids, but it was so fun and I'm glad Mike talked me into going (I was pretty apprehensive with a new baby and knowing I wouldn't be able to do much to help if the kids got crazy). Spending time with Mike, Grant, Remi and Sawyer is by far my favorite way to spend my time!

Last night was the first time since we've been home that Mike and I got the chance to sit down together and watch a show and eat some Blue Bell. It was so nice!

I'm feeling SO much better every day! Don't get me wrong, I still require a nap at least once a day and I still can't even think about taking a leisurely walk, but I am able to help get the kids dressed and get them yogurt or chicken nuggets without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I took for granted before how nice it is to be able to just be a mom and take care of my kids. I actually miss and am looking forward to being able to take them to the grocery store and make them dinner and wash and fold their little clothes-all things that I kind of loathed before.

Sawyer is TWO WEEKS OLD today!! I can't get enough of his sweet little face! He looks like he's going to have more red in his hair and he has dimples!

This picture is actually from last week-he's already changed so much since then!

We're pretty attached to each other (sometimes I feel like I'm still pregnant with him because he's always with me!) and I already can't imagine our family without him! It's been nice to get to have so much quiet time with him. He's SO wonderful!

We've been talking to doctors and getting appointments set up today to hopefully get treatments started on his feet soon. 

I told Mike on our way to Show Low yesterday that if I had died, I couldn't have felt cheated. I would've died happy, my life has been so blessed! But I'm beyond grateful that I'm not missing these times! These times are the best!

What A Difference A Day Can Make!

Our little Sawyer Clark made his arrival on June 4! He is SO wonderful and has really taken it easy on us so far! He seems to have such an easy-going little spirit and has been so resilient and non-demanding! Mike and I always try to analyze what kind of spirits our kids have and we already feel like he's going to be a quiet, humble teacher to all of us.

At my last appointment, 2 days shy of the 39 week mark (Tuesday), I seemed to have progressed a bit since my previous appointment, so Dr. Connelly said he'd try to "help me along" and he was fairly confident I'd go into labor soon. I was REALLY hoping he was right, because he was leaving that Friday for the whole next week and I was really attached to him!

Sure enough, I woke up around 7 the next morning with contractions 5-7 minutes apart that had a bit of a kick to them. I got ready to leave, then woke up Mike and we called Sal to come stay with the kids. We got to Show Low around 9 and just as we got into town, my contractions completely stopped. I told Mike it was because Sawyer might have a prankster type personality. Mike said he was just being cooperative. We wanted to get to Show Low in plenty of time (Remi gave us ZERO time!) and we were hungry so Sawyer was just giving us time to have breakfast-which we did. The contractions started up again but not very regularly so we went to Wal-Mart so I could buy some headphones (I planned on listening to George Strait for pain management) and then we went by Home Depot so Mike could look at materials for the fort he wants to build the kids. I kept feeling like we could kill some more time before going to the hospital and we considered going to a movie, but the next showtime wasn't for another hour and I couldn't imagine anywhere we could go where I could walk around for an hour without alerting employees and patrons because although the contractions weren't getting any closer together, when they did come, they hurt!

We finally decided to just go to the hospital and they did end up admitting me. I had high blood pressure the last two weeks of my pregnancy and the nurse seemed alerted by it, but I assured her I'd been walking around like this for several weeks and that I felt okay. Sawyer tolerated the contractions really well, but despite my best efforts to stay calm and use George to get me through, my blood pressure spiked every time I had one. Even though I wasn't spilling protein, my uric acid levels came back elevated and the nurse said she felt that with my high blood pressure and the uric acid levels, it was enough to treat me as a patient with preeclampsia. At this point, the nurse highly recommended I get an epidural because of the pain of the contractions spiking my blood pressure and the fact that I'd probably have to be put on magnesium to prevent seizures and then pitocin to keep the contractions strong because the magnesium is a smooth muscle relaxant.

Just as she said, the contractions pretty much stopped once the magnesium was started and my doctor came in around that time and broke my water. After that, the contractions started coming strong and hard again and I was so happy to see the anesthesiologist walk through the door! Once the epidural was in, I progressed a lot faster (even though I could still feel a lot of pain on my left side) and we pretty much just hung out with the nurse until I was ready to start pushing...which was not long after the doctor had left for another procedure. He said he'd be back by 3:45 so we set a goal to have Sawyer be born by 4. We thought 6/4/14 at 4:00 would be a cool birthday!

He walked in the door at 4:00, so we thought that was out of the question, but he had me push right away and Sawyer was born at 4:03! He was the tiniest baby I've ever seen! 5 lbs. 15 oz. and 18.5 in. I still worry that it may have been my high blood pressure that caused him to be so small. I got to hold him for a while before they took him to get assessed and cleaned up.

He was born with clubbed feet, but we were told that it could easily be corrected as a baby and he should be able to do everything a completely healthy kid can do.

The details of everything that happened after that are a little foggy, and some parts I can only piece together what I hear from Mike and what I remember, but I feel this weight on me that I feel like might be lifted if I just put it out there and try not to analyze it and think too much about it anymore.

As they were getting Sawyer checked out, I told the nurse I felt a big gush of blood after I moved. I'm SO thankful she took me seriously and didn't give me the "oh, well you just had a baby Honey, it's normal to bleed" response! I'm also thankful I either could still feel on the left side, or that the epidural had worn off by then so I COULD feel what was going on!

Anyway, the nurse came and checked me out and yelled out to the hall to see if the doctor was still close. He was and he came in and said my uterus must not be contracting like it should be and they gave me some drugs and he massaged my stomach to try to get my uterus to contract. At this point, the room started to get fuzzy and my whole  body got really cold. I could feel the doctor and nurse rushing around me but I just tried to stay conscious and find and focus on Mike. I think at that point, I was too confused about what was going on to be too worried about it.

Finally, the room cleared up and I was feeling a lot better. Mike's parents and his sister and her family happened to be in Show Low and all came by. Mike and his dad gave me a blessing and I felt a lot better. My family was on their way with our kids and we were so excited to have them meet their new brother!

As Mike's family was gathering up to leave, I felt another gush of blood and tried to catch the nurse as she was coming in and out to let her know. Again, as soon as I told her and she checked me out, she got the doctor in the room and the experience repeated itself, only this time, I was shaking uncontrollably because of the medication they had given me the last time and it seemed like it went downhill a lot faster. I was so frustrated with not being able to control my body and the situation. All I could do was concentrate on Mike being there and I was so thankful they hadn't tried to make him leave. He kept going back and forth to check on Sawyer and try to stay with me and even though I would've preferred him be with Sawyer, I panicked every time he left. I was starting to get scared that they wouldn't be able to get the bleeding under control, but the doctor and nurse working together and their conversation made them sound like they knew what they were doing and that was very reassuring. Finally, things cleared up again and as the doctor and nurse were finishing things up, I could hear Mike correlating what was going to happen with the kids coming to meet Sawyer because they were already at the hospital.

Mike's mom had caught a glimpse of what had happened and went down and told my mom she might want to come up by herself. It was so good to see my mom but I was feeling really crumby and I don't remember really interacting with her much beyond giving her a hug. I remember my sister coming up to get some keys and saying she wanted to take the kids somewhere to give us time to get things under control. Mike asked my mom to stay and hold and be with Sawyer so he could stay with me. I'm SO glad he did because things got crazy again really quickly after that.

I remember getting super cold and thinking "oh no, it's happening again"! I told Mike to go get someone because no one was in the room. Just when it seemed like they were getting things under control, I felt a huge rush of cold again and got really hazy. This time, I was terrified because no matter how hard I tried, I felt like I had no control over my body or my consciousness. I just knew if it was happening again, this was it and that I was dying. I was so scared because I'd always heard that dying was a very calm and peaceful experience, but this was terrifying and chaotic. I remember coughing a lot and hovering over a basin and then everything closed in and went black.

I woke up even more terrified because now the room was flooded with people and I could only make out partial conversations. What REALLY scared me was one of the doctors asking to call a code, someone answered that it was a rapid response, but I heard the word code again after that. I heard the order to start a second IV and was proud to hear whoever started it compliment my veins. :) (of all the things to be concerned or flattered about!) I also heard someone yell "I have a BP 60/40" (that's bad) and "I've got a thready pulse". I wanted to yell at them that I wasn't coding but I couldn't talk. I heard everyone talking to me, and I could respond to them in my head, but I don't know if I ever got any words out because they kept asking me the same questions. Mostly "are ya still with us?" I remember begging Mike not to leave me and him reassuring me that he wouldn't and that my mom was here with Sawyer and that his mom and my sister had Grant and Remi. I heard Dr. Connelly tell Mike that I hadn't responded as expected to any of the interventions that would normally have gotten my bleeding under control and someone came in and had Mike sign some consents (for surgery I'm guessing because I heard a lot of conversation about an OR and blood being prepped). I kept trying to tell Mike I didn't want to go to surgery, I was scared I wouldn't wake up if they put me to sleep. I heard Dr. Connelly say they could keep my epidural in place and just numb me again and not have to use general anesthesia and I was SO GLAD I had gotten it! I heard orders being called out for different meds and fluids and I'm still not sure what all those were. 

Finally, things started to clear up again, and Dr. Connelly said he knew I was coherent because I'd laughed at something he said (something about giving him more gray hairs, which was funny because his hair is almost completely white). He hung around for a while (which I was SO grateful for! Every hospital employee who came into the room talked about how busy they were, except him) and explained quite a bit of what had happened but I didn't compute a lot of it. He said he'd put a balloon in that would put pressure on the uterine wall (kind of like putting direct pressure on a gushing wound) and that that was kind of a last resort before taking me to surgery for a D&C. He said I'd lost more than half of my blood supply and that they were going to keep monitoring my labs to make sure I wouldn't need to be transfused because I couldn't afford to lose any more. Luckily, I started out with more blood than the average person, being pregnant and all, and the fact that I was in my twenties and healthy meant I should be able to build my supply back on my own. He said they'd given me three bags of pitocin and about 7 liters of fluids and that I'd probably look in the mirror the next day and think "Holy sh*t! What did they do to me??" (I really appreciated his humor through the whole thing!) 

Things felt pretty stable after that and Grant and Remi finally got to come meet their brother. Remi immediately started shouting "Mama! Mama!" as soon as she saw me and it was SO good to hear her little voice! They both did great, especially Grant, who seemed so eager to help introduce him to Remi and show her the ropes of being an older sibling. After they took pictures and took turns holding Sawyer, Grant came and stood next to my bed and timidly said "Um, Mommy, I love you". I about lost it and was so tempted to ask if they could stay the night too! Celina ended up taking them home and my mom stayed to be on Sawyer duty, while Mike stayed for my reassurance. My dad came and gave me a father's blessing and that was very comforting. 

I only slept about an hour that night, and couldn't shake the feeling that I could still die (very rapidly this time, because I didn't have any blood left). Being alone with my thoughts and fears was awful! I kept wanting to talk to Mike but knew he needed the sleep he was getting. Sawyer was doing great and slept most of the night, despite not having eaten much. At one point, he did stir and my mom and Mike both got up to attend to him. Mike noticed I wasn't asleep and came and talked to me through the rest of the night. I'm SO glad I married him!

The next night was pretty rough as well. Grant got sick so Mike came home to stay with the kids, and Sal was nice enough to come back to Show Low to stay with me so I wouldn't have to spend the night alone. I got to FaceTime with the kids and my best friend and that made the night go by a little easier too. The pediatrician came in to check Sawyer out and said she heard a murmur and that Sawyer had failed two oxygen tests and she wanted to get an echo of his heart to make sure everything was okay. I appreciated her thoroughness, but that sent things spinning again into "what ifs". The pediatrician said she'd make sure we got the results that night, but when the night nurse came on, she said she didn't think we'd know until the next morning. That was SO frustrating to again be so worried and feel like there was nothing we could do to control the outcome. Thankfully, the doctor came back in several hours later and informed us that everything was normal!

I feel like looking back, despite all the things that went wrong, there were so many things that went right! One was having Dr. Connelly for my doctor and me going into labor before he left town. I'd started out this pregnancy seeing the midwife I saw with Remi. At 20 weeks, they sent me to Dr. Connelly's office for an ultrasound and I decided, for whatever reason, to switch to Dr. Connelly instead. I'd never met him and I LOVED my midwife, but for some reason, when I called to let her office know I had switched, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. It felt like CLEARLY the right decision. I now know why that was. Another blessing was him still being in the hospital the whole time and being able to quickly come back into the room. I SO appreciated his level-headedness and how he handled everything. I felt like every time I heard his voice in the midst do the whole chaotic fiasco, it was reassuring because he was calm and what he was saying was exactly what I wanted to do (like dismissing the urge to rush to the OR or administer blood). I felt like he truly advocated for me as a patient and that he saw me as a mom and a wife and not just "the hemorrhage in room 3". We both felt the same way about our nurse, who called twice after she'd gotten home from probably one of the longest shifts of her life, to check on me. I know after this experience, I will be a different type of nurse and I'm thankful for their examples of excellent, compassionate care. 

Sawyer is a week old now and we've been home five days. Coming home was the best feeling in the world! I really struggled during the nights at the hospital because I couldn't convince myself that I was out of the woods. The thought of never coming home to Grant and Remi, and not even getting the opportunity to be a mom to Sawyer made me so anxious I couldn't sleep at all during the nights and only for 1-2 hr bursts during the day. 

I think the whole experience has startled me into the reality that death can come at any time. There's no guarantee that I'm going to be able to see my kids grow up or grow old with Mike and those are some of the most terrifying thoughts to me! 

I've really struggled with having the faith to know that everything is in the Lord's hands because of how much MY will is to be here. It's made me want to live more in the present and try to do all I can to find my faith and accept God's will over mine. I'm SO thankful that for now, He has let me stay here! 

Mike has taken the week off work and has been taking care of all of us tirelessly! I don't know how he's doing it all! The house looks better than it normally does with me taking care of it and he's been making me green smoothies with fresh juice and steak and eggs every morning (the doctor said I need to eat as much iron as possible) and he hasn't complained about it once! I can barely walk from room to room without getting severely winded so I've been spending most of my time in bed or on the couch (they said it'd take about 3 weeks to gain back my strength after losing all the blood). That shows you how much Mike has to take care do EVERYTHING else. Every day feels like a drastic improvement from the day before, and when I think that last week, I was barely strong enough to hold Sawyer and couldn't even get out of bed, I feel like things are getting better fast. I can't imagine how families get through tragedies and trials that are so much longer and harder than this! It's been very eye opening!

My mom and Sal have been calling every day to see if the older kids want to come play so Mike and I can get some rest (and it's even Celina's birthday today!) and our ward has brought in dinner every night. I usually pass up the sign-up sheet for meals when it comes around at church because I'm intimidated by not being a very good cook, but I've felt so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone's service and concern that I might just sign up from now on. Even if I end up having to take someone McDonald's! :)